Synchronized Swimming With Alice in Wonderland

“Alice,” says I, just avoiding being hit by her outstretched arm as she falls into a faulty breaststroke, “Would you like to come join Jane and Michael at the park this Sunday with Mary and meself?”

“Bert,” says she, taking a long breath between strokes, “you know I’m invited to the Mad Hatter’s tea party on Sunday. Besides, what kind of adventure can we possibly have in the park that will compare with my time through the looking glass?”

“Woho, what adventure you say! Why, just last week we went to visit a man with one wooden leg whose name was Jim, I don’t remember the name of his other leg, and ended up stayin’ for tea, floating up to the ceiling with laughter. Why, why, and the week before that, we went through one of my sidewalk paintings into an afternoon of merry-g-rounds and horse races! Everyday is an adventure with Ma…” Kersplash! Alice’s hand has found its mark, and I find meself next to her feet, trying to get out of a line of scissor kicks between the Red and White Queens, spluttering for breaths between swallows of chlorine.

“There will be no talking during the Synchronized Swimming exercises”, bellows one of her queenships, getting me square in the jaw, and sideswiping Alice with her scepter. “You may come and attend us in court when we take on The Cat in the Hat at the billiards table, BUT NO TALKING!”


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